When God Says No: Obedience, Suffering & The Silence Of Heaven

Our railroad conductor friend Alex made markings like this on 30 railcars that have since traveled all over the east coast

I wanted to have my baby. I wanted to hold him, hear his cries, coos and giggles. I wanted to look into his eyes. I wanted to care for him, feed him, change his dirty diapers. I wanted to discover who Parker was by getting to know him as he grew up. I wanted to hear him call me “mom, mommy, momma.” I wanted his affection, his little hugs and kisses, his “I love you’s.” I wanted to keep my son here with me.

A few hours before Parker was born into the arms of Jesus, God’s Spirit directed and enabled my heart to say with faith, “Lord, not my will, but Yours be done. Have Your way in me.” I didn’t know what lay ahead, but I knew God was encouraging me to want whatever He had willed, no matter the cost.

Not long after that prayer, as I lay on the operating table with my arms outstretched as if on a cross, I felt the doctor pull Parker out of my womb, but I didn’t hear my baby’s cry. Instead, I heard the doctor urgently say, “Code 500!” to the already hustling medical staff.

I knew.

I’d known since several minutes before the c-section when the nurses calmly but desperately searched for a heartbeat. Now I stared at the ceiling and began to pray through my oxygen mask, “Father, nothing is impossible for you. You can save my son. Breathe life into Parker. Nothing is too hard for you, Father.”

And then my prayers quickly turned to tearful, affirmative praise. “Father, You are good. You are sovereign. You’ve carried us all this time and You’re still carrying us. Parker belongs to you. He has always been Yours. I trust You. You are good.”

That’s the last thing I remember before waking up with my midwife and Bobby in the recovery room. What great grace God poured out to me in allowing me to commend my son into His heavenly care before I succumbed to anesthesia. His Good Spirit had comforted me with the knowledge that God was sovereignly overseeing everything and had not failed to do what was best. When I woke up, I calmly and confidently told the midwife, “It’s okay. God did not fail. You didn’t fail. Nothing went wrong. God has accomplished His will.”

Then I wept as Bobby brought Parker’s little body over to me so I could admire and cuddle his masterfully fitted frame.  I turned to Bobby while holding Parker’s precious body and said, “Do you realize what this means? We now have the privilege of knowing and walking with the Lord more closely than ever. His Word is going to come alive to us like never before.”

When we came home two days later, Bobby and I went directly into Parker’s room and held each other and wept. I looked at Bobby and said, “God has honored us. He wants to do something great in us for His glory. And I want Him to finish the work.”

God had said “No” to my first request. I had wanted to enjoy my son’s life here, in my home, in my arms, in my care. But more than that, in the depths of my heart, I wanted to do God’s will, to have Him accomplish in my life and in my family what would be most pleasing to Him. And I was convinced (and still am) that whatever His reply was, it would be for our ultimate good and for His glory.

I’ve asked myself since then, “What if God had said yes to Jesus when He prayed with great tears and anguish in the garden, ‘Father, if it possible, take this cup from me’? What if Jesus had not submitted His human will to the perfect will of His Father?”

I’ve also taken great comfort from Hebrews 5:7-9,

“While Jesus was here on earth, he offered prayers and pleadings, with a loud cry and tears, to the one who could rescue Him from death. And God heard His prayers because of His deep reverence for God. Even though Jesus was God’s Son, He learned obedience from the things He suffered. In this way, God qualified Him as a perfect High Priest, and He became the source of eternal salvation for all those who obey Him.”

Even when God says “no” in answer to our prayers, He is working all things together for our good. He told His own Son “no” so that He might become the source of eternal salvation for all those who obey Him. This is a good reply.

And we, too, have the privilege of learning obedience to Christ through the things that we suffer. God is not forsaking us when He replies with silence to our requests. He is giving us His very best for us. He is giving us Himself—the One who for the joy set before Him, endured the cross, despising its shame.

I praise God for graciously, mercifully preparing me and Bobby for this journey. He gave us His Word, our firm foundation.

• He gave us His Spirit, our Comforter and ever-present Helper in our times of need.
• He gave us His love, from which we can never be separated.
• He gave us His peace which transcends our understanding of the present circumstances.
• He gave us the promise of salvation, the hope of heaven, an eternity without tears or sorrow, pain or death.
• God gave us His Son, who lived perfectly and died shamefully in our place.
• God gave us Himself, faithful and true, perfect in all His words and ways.

He has endured for us and with us the depth and breadth of every sorrow we’ll ever meet. So we can submit to Him in everything and say with faith fueled by His own faithfulness, “Father, not my will but Yours be done.” We can trust Him when the answer to our prayer is “No.”

Tagged as: Hebrews 5, Parker David Gilles, prayer