Three weeks ago, just two days before going into labor with my son Parker, I wrote an article about having no reason to doubt and every reason to praise God.
I didn’t know then that when I finally got to hold my son, his masterfully created body would be lifeless.
I didn’t know then that the labor would last three days.
I didn’t know then how God would use the long labor followed by Parker’s swift entrance into Glory to stir my affections more than ever for my Redeemer, for my Father.
What I did know then (even if just in part) I wrote and still hold to:
“Today is the day to remember that the Lord is good and completely trustworthy. God cannot fail. He has never failed. Today is the day and now is the moment to lift our hearts and hands in praise to the God who gives life and hope to wretched, condemned sinners. He alone is worthy of ALL praise ALL of the time! Today, I remember again that He has written all of our days in His book, including the birthday of my little Parker David Gilles. I am confident that God will complete the good work of this 41+ week pregnancy in HIS perfect time and that we’ll have a wonderful time celebrating the display of God’s power, beauty and wonderful love as we sing “Happy Birthday” to our baby boy, whenever that day comes. . .”
And as sorrowful as that day, October 21, 2012, was, it was a glorious day of rejoicing for my son who had passed directly from my womb to live forever with his Heavenly Father and Creator in Glory. And as long as the pregnancy was, as difficult as the labor was, as joyfully anguishing as the outcome was, I would not trade what God was laboring to produce in me and Bobby, and what He was and is accomplishing through the precious little life of my son.
There were specific moments, turning points, in the 72 hours of labor in which God was shifting things in my heart to bring Himself into clearer focus, and to enable me to continue trusting and praising Him. I remember praying throughout the labor, mostly asking for help, for strength to endure, but also asking that God’s will would be done and that He would help me to praise Him no matter what.
He perfectly answered these prayers. He was faithful to provide help through the excellent care of several nurses and our midwife, each hand-picked by God for whatever stage of my labor they were attending. They not only ministered to me physically, but God used them to encourage my heart and spirit as they labored in prayer with us. He helped me in humbling me by enabling my heart to praise Him as I was stripped of my strength and allowed to realize His power being made perfect in my weakness.
He also kept our little Parker, whose heartbeat and body was strong through the entire pregnancy and labor. He was never in danger, but at God’s appointed time his heartbeat ceased and he was carried peacefully in the arms of Jesus into the presence of His Saving God.
As I remember my journey through the last year, I’m seeing more and more now how God’s gracious Spirit was working throughout those 42 weeks of pregnancy and the final three days of labor to convince my heart that God would not fail to accomplish His will in my life or in Parker’s life. I knew that God had written all of Parker’s days in His book before one had ever come to pass, and that He would not allow Parker’s life to be snuffed out before his time here was complete.
By God’s grace and the work of His Spirit in me, I was able to say with confidence at the end of October 21, 2012, “God did not fail. Nothing went wrong. He has accomplished His will. And He is still trustworthy and praiseworthy.” Something else I realized and reflected to Bobby as we held Parker’s beautiful body, was that as a result of this suffering, we would now have the privilege of knowing God more intimately, more fully understanding His Word, walking more closely with Him than ever.
This humbled me and gave my heart great joy even as I wept for the loss of time spent walking with and knowing our son Parker. I knew that God had something to do in me and Bobby that was for our good and for His great glory and I knew we’d need God’s help to submit to His will in this. He has been faithful to help us.
I must say that I had not fathomed (and still don’t fully fathom) what God was doing through this situation beyond the borders of our family, but He has beautifully shown the wonders of His love in stirring the affections of many the world over to come up higher and follow Him more closely and worship Him with greater awe and trust. I am thankful for everyone who has courageously shared with us how God is using Parker’s story to point you to Christ.
A dear friend sent me this encouraging message today that sheds even more light on God’s purposes being accomplished through Parker’s life in Christ:
“I’m reading a book called One Minute After You Die, by Pr. Erwin Lutzer. It’s dedicated to his granddaughter, Sarah, who was stillborn. He, his wife, and of course his son and daughter-in-law, struggled to understand God’s purpose in her little life. And he provided a nugget of wisdom from J. Vernon McGee:
When a shepherd seeks to lead his sheep to better grass that is situated above a thorny, difficult passage, the sheep will often refuse to go because of fear. So the shepherd will take two baby lambs from the flock, one in each arm, and start climbing. Soon the mothers of the babies follow, and afterward the entire flock. McGee sees it as a picture of what God does. He’ll reach in and take a little lamb for Himself, and then use “the experience to lead His people, to lift them to new heights of commitment as they follow the little lamb all the way home.”
That is EXACTLY what the Lord has been doing through Parker’s life. So many of us have been challenged, inspired, and humbled by his parents following hard at the heels of their Shepherd. And so we have left our comfortable pastures to follow also. Parker has been leading us to new heights and depths in the Lord. Your son has sounded a call for renewed intimacy with, and commitment to, our God and King. He is one who has come in the spirit of Elijah. What an awesome ministry our Father entrusted to Him.”
I could not have known all those months as I was praying for God to allow my son to know Him all the days of his life and to fulfill His purposes that this would be his role. But I am humbly thankful for God answering my prayer in saving Parker and using his life to point others to Christ. As a worship leader and a momma, knowing my son is worshiping Christ forever in heaven and leading others here in worship makes my heart so pleased . . . the Lord has done great things for us and He is to be praised now and always. Blessed be the name of the Lord!